Somebody recently said to me that I needed to share my heart. My friends have said, “You keep walls up all around you because you don’t want to get hurt. And the Times that you’ve tried to reach out and let other people in, you’ve been ghosted, or you’ve had other people do things that hurt you, and you’ve just started to withdraw. “The scary thing is that they’re 100% right.
I throw myself into my work and studies because I am so tired of not getting anywhere. I volunteer and give back because I see so many people in need and want to help because by helping others, I feel better about myself. I try to uplift and inspire because I know that the latter is harder to do when you’re going through all kinds of hell. And I also know that if you allow yourself to have negative energy around you, you have to fight negativity consistently. I refused to give in to the negative energy.
I saw a program recently that intrigued me, so I looked at getting more information. I’ve always wanted a child of my own, but finances have prevented me from pursuing that dream. It seems like I always felt that I’d have the opportunity to settle down with someone and start a family of my own, but life has a cruel sense of humor. When we think we know what direction life is taking us, it steers in a completely different direction. I even resigned myself to the thought of just being able to volunteer with kids because I didn’t think having children in any capacity would be possible. I’ve given up on trying to be with somebody because the person I love with all of my heart doesn’t seem to feel the same. If he did, he wouldn’t be so absent in his actions. He wouldn’t ignore me so much when I continuously reach out and find myself almost pleading to get answers. Usually, when two people are not putting forth the effort in a relationship, only one party is invested more. And sometimes, you can’t even define it as a relationship. It is what it is. It took a long time for me to get the memo, but I finally did. So his actions reinforced the need for me to keep my walls up. I didn’t realize the damage I was doing to myself.
Self-awareness is crucial to everything we do in life. If we can’t identify what upsets us and why we are holding ourselves back, then we are a prisoner to different aspects of fear. I didn’t realize how much I was letting fear control my life. I’ve always been strong-minded and unafraid to speak my mind until I wasn’t. You see, somewhere along the way, I lost my voice and felt invisible only to find that my cloak that I thought concealed me was visible the entire time. I didn’t want to deal with the issues the world threw my way, so I let the world pass me by until I learned to speak up.
When we suppress so many emotions because it hurts to deal with them were not doing ourselves any favors. It’s the opposite because we hurt ourselves by not being forthcoming about what’s at the core of our pain. I’ve blamed him for a long time, but it’s not him; it’s me. I am in control of my actions, not his. I can only control how I will respond to things, and shutting people out of my life means missing out on opportunities to have some great people in my life.
Somebody asked me the other day what I wanted. Well, let me spell it out. I want to share my life with people and learn from each other. I want to take the highs and the lows that come with loving and accepting people for who they are. I don’t want to live with rose-colored glasses on, and I don’t want to be the only one putting forth effort in relationships. I want to push my abilities beyond anything I’ve ever done, and I want to keep my world open to everything that life has to offer. I want to be loved the way I deserve: to be loved unconditionally and in a partnership. I want to stop living in fear of this damn virus and everything else that goes along with it. I want the world to stop being so angry with each other and start finding ways to heal instead of blaming each other for things they disagree with because all people are doing is inciting more anger with one another.
I want to live each day with a cheerful demeanor and know that I have the energy and positivity to take on the world when I wake up in the morning. And I don’t want to beg and plead for anybody to be in my world. True friendships are rare, and I want to be able to celebrate those friendships with the people who have had my back. I don’t need fake friends who are only there when I beg and plead them to be somewhere. When my dad died, I shouldn’t have had to beg and plead for one of my best friends to come to the memorial, but I did. There were many things that I got my eyes open to over the last few years, not just in their behavior but in mine.
One of the biggest things that we can do for ourselves is to accept responsibility when we’ve done things that could have improved. Instead of looking to blame somebody else, I don’t. What I am doing is accepting responsibility and moving forward.
It’s a new day and the start of a new week. I plan to use that to the best of my ability because on this Columbus Day; I have decided to start sharing my heart. I do that anyway with the writings but have held a lot back for a long time. The next few days, the blogs will be about things that I’ve noticed and things that are serious conversation pieces. It’s not about blaming. It’s not about who hurt who but rather how to start healing. Use this day to share your lives with others. Believe it or not, you matter to many different people. No matter what you may think, this world is a better place by the positive actions you provide. I hope you all have a great day.