This topic is going to be volatile. Jealousy is a natural emotion for people that we care about having friends of the opposite sex. I should know because I get jealous when someone I care about talks to many different women. And then I remember that most of my friends are men. It’s hard for me to put myself in somebody else’s shoes when I’m doing the same behavior and expect a different result. But the worst part is when people think that I should be dating these men just because of how close we are. The problem with that logic is that we have zero chemistry. We’re great as friends, but as far as anything else, I don’t see it. But their families keep trying to push something that isn’t there. Sooner or later, if we aren’t careful, it will cause us to walk away from a solid friendship.
I know a lot of people who say you need to date your best friend. But when there isn’t chemistry between you and your best friend, it isn’t easy to make others understand that you shouldn’t date. By doing things with him, I’ve found that many people think we’re dating, and we’re not. They believe that since we are always doing stuff together that we are dating. Though it’s evident that we don’t have those feelings towards one another, we choose to do those things because neither of us wants to be alone. We both happen to be the opposite gender. Most of my girlfriends are currently in relationships. Several of the guys I know are not date-worthy. They may have jobs, but they have drug habits or are lazy, or have other issues that I could not accept in a relationship. Some of them are womanizers, while others are are alcoholics and have volatile tempers. In a year, I had two different men ask me out, and I later found out both of those men were so mentally unstable that they tried to blow the places they work up literally. I don’t know about most of you, but that’s a turn-off to me. And then covid hit, and it became a more significant issue because everybody became shut down.
One of the worst things is when you know that when the other person you’re close with gets involved with somebody, you know the expectation – rightfully so – is that you will spend less time with that person. Maybe that’s why I’m pulling back more and more doing things solo. I know that as he begins to spread his wings and date women, they will not be comfortable with our friendship. He’s been like a brother to me since my dad died. And when the rest of the world was causing us grief on different issues, he had my back. When accusations became present of a crime he didn’t commit, he was fired from his job and then arrested; I had his back. We had both been married to people with similar backgrounds. Both of our ex-spouses were mentally unstable. Their behavior was so similar that we often thought they should have been the ones to hook up and marry each other. We’ve known each other for over twenty years. Friendships like that are rare, and they’re priceless. But to outsiders looking in, they are threatened by that type of friendship.
The problem for me is I trust more men than I do women. Maybe it’s because women have done nothing but stab me in the back consistently. Men tend to tell it more like it is than most women do. Women are primarily catty and highly cliquish. I try to keep my circle pretty small because I used to have a wide circle, and I found myself with problems consistently. Several of the women in the group of friends that I had tried to instigate drama are not something I’m dealing with because drama leads to stress, and stress leads to depression.
Recently, I read a blog by another Blogger on WordPress that said she did not want her man to stay friends with the women he was close to for different reasons. Her blog screamed insecurity to me, and then I realized that I was judging her emotions based on my friendship, but I was guilty of doing the same thing. I don’t know what the answer is; I do know men and women can be friends. But I also know that there’s a time in a place for everything. Sooner or later, those friendships will become tested. Some of those friendships will endure because of the choices the people involved will make. Other relationships will disintegrate because of jealousy and insecurity off of other parties. And some of those friendships will die out because each party is changing and not with each other.
So for me, it’s pretty easy to understand that people won’t comprehend that I choose to remain friends with the men that I’ve been close to for years. But I also choose to be independent enough to stand on my own two feet and be secure with myself and my choices. If my partner is not OK with my friendships, then those issues will need to be addressed because I will have to determine if that relationship is meaningful enough to me to sacrifice true friends who have been there through thick and thin. Time and circumstances can only answer that question. And it will take an emotionally strong man to be with me because I am highly independent, intelligent, compassionate, and stubborn. But at the end of the day, I won’t stray if I love somebody with all my heart.
The key is finding the right person to grow with you. If you find somebody willing to accept you for who you are, then you may have found somebody worth working things out with, but if you have found somebody who expects you to change for them, you will forever be changing. I made that mistake in my marriage, and I will not make the same mistake twice. For that reason, this is what I recommend. If you have a friendship with a person with no chemistry sexually or emotionally, don’t just throw it away. True friends are hard to find. And if you find that type of friendship with somebody you have no romantic feelings for, but enjoy doing things with them, don’t let the rest of the world dictate your friendship or relationship. If you find somebody else you want to share your time with and get to know, find out how they feel about that individual. If they have a problem with it, then find out why. You might need to restrict some time with your longtime friend, but at least you go into the relationship with your cards up. It takes strong people to do this because so many of us give in to our jealousies. But at the end of the day, you might be missing a solid friendship with people who are good for you in many different ways.
My heart tells me that my best friend will never be anything more than that, and that’s good. Many people asked me how I felt about him when the truth is I don’t want to lose that friendship, but I also don’t want a romantic endeavor with him, and I know that for sure. When my heart lets me know somebody else that I want more than anything, and I can’t think of anything but that person, I know it would not work to be with anybody else. But I know that the man I love has situations and circumstances beyond his control, and because of that, we can’t be together. But it’s also unfair to my friend to have other people think that we’re together when it keeps him from having an active dating life.
Before everybody gets an attitude, let me say this my friend does not go out much. He’s not a social butterfly, and he goes to the online dating apps quite a bit, trying to meet women. The thing that upsets me the most is that the women he meets always want money. People scammed him before, and he is a passive individual, so meeting women is not easy for him. That’s one of the reasons why I tried so hard for so long to get him out in public so he would meet others. Unfortunately, people saw us out a lot and assumed incorrectly. It’s for this reason that I hope that the good Lord sends him the right woman. It’s hard when you’re trying to do the right thing, but it makes things worse when you keep hitting roadblocks.
If any of you have friendships like this, you’ll understand precisely where I’m coming from because it’s tough to make these kinds of decisions. And it needs to be a case-by-case scenario, but many factors need to go into those decisions. Sometimes cutting the cord is the most challenging part. At the same time, keeping a friendship going that has been a helpful friendship all along can be even more demanding, especially when there’s jealousy involved.
I know I’m going to have to make some changes, but that doesn’t mean that my decisions will be easy. Changing my network of people isn’t something that I thought I would be doing for a very long time. I walked away from a longtime friendship, and while I miss her, I don’t miss the added stress. And I’m not going to dissolve my company with him unless it’s a mutual decision, but I know that I have to walk away at some point for him to find happiness. He’s struggling to find someone because of the past relationships he’s tried. One woman had him arrested for a crime that he didn’t commit, while another woman had him thrown out of a restaurant over something that never happened. There were witnesses to attest he was innocent. He seems to fall for mentally unstable women. When the day comes that he finds someone good, I’ll be happy for him and the woman he’s involved with because I’ll know that he’s happy. And at the end of the day, that’s the thing that’s so tough—trying to keep a friendship when you suspect it’s holding somebody else back is one of the most challenging things that we all face. Maybe we’ve both been too much of a crutch on each other, but if he wasn’t a man, there would be no issue with our friendship in society. True friends support each other, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. If anything, it’s scary to enter the world differently on your own. So if you’re facing the same sort of situations, I’d love to hear about how some of you have handled those friendships and relationships. I don’t think gender should matter. But the reality is that it matters to many people because they see friendships as black and white. People forget the gray area. Rarely are things one way or another. Hold onto the relationships that are healthy but let go of the toxicity. I hope you all have a great day, everyone.