In the deepest sleep, sometimes it feels as if Angels are all around me and I succumb to an ease of dreams. Dreams take us to portals that our conscious state of mind doesn’t always conjure. I’ve loved and lost many in my life. There are spirits that surround me that make me feel loved and drained all at the same time. Some say I am more sensitive than others. I don’t know about that. I think I’m pretty open minded to things I can’t see and understand. But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned during my life, it’s that we all have people in our lives who have passed, that we choose to believe are looking out for us. I’m not sure what dimension or parallel universe some folks believe that the deceased reside, but I believe with every fiber in me that there is such a place as heaven and hell.
When my Dad passed, it was the only time in my life that I can truly say that I saw the unabashed joy in my father’s face as he passed from the earthly plane to a quintessential portal of what I believe to have been heaven. The sparkle in his eyes as he transitioned, the peace that took over his entire body, and the radiance that exuded from his face told me that he was seeing loved ones who had long passed. He was at peace. I knew in that moment that the arms of angels had swarmed around him to help carry him to his new home. My heart was aching and yet happy for him because his suffering with the cancer that engulfed his body over the last year of his life was finally setting him free. I sobbed uncontrollably because he left. I was so hurt by the fact that I couldn’t help save him from the cancer that robbed him of the ability to communicate with those around him because it had stricken his voice from being heard. His mobility was yanked out from under him and yet, his eyes were so expressive. His body had become weak over time and in that last year, I knew that my time with him was growing short.
I have had the blessing of being with three family members when they passed. The last one was my father. There are those who would say I was granted a gift that many are not given. Sometimes I combat that argument. It’s a gift if you choose to see it that way. In many ways, it’s connected me to a realm that I don’t understand but I feel strangely connected to. When my mom’s mom passed, I was in the house with her. My father and I had stepped in the other room to cook some eggs. My grandmother opened her eyes and told mom she needed to go to the bathroom. As she stood, she had a heart attack and died. She was 94. The wild thing was as I was cooking, I felt the warmest sensation in the house. All of a sudden I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. It was a warm, loving feeling that came over me like a warm shower without being wet. It was almost as if rays of sunshine entered the house and the house was usually fairly dark and dismal. It was a country farmhouse. I will never forget the way I felt as her spirit departed the house. Yet, there is no doubt in my mind that my grandmother is still with me to this day. I never had the privilege of meeting my mom’s dad. He died before my mother was born and yet, I feel his presence. I can’t explain it. The knowledge that there are those who I feel makes me understand that when we believe in our hearts that there are people who have touched us that we may or may not have known in our lifetime, some of that knowledge trickles into things that we do on a regular basis.
My Dad’s mom, on the other hand, was completely different. Her death made me shudder. There was a coldness that still seeps into my mind to this day. I’m not the type of person that gets weird ed out by death. In fact, because of my faith, I’m comforted by the fact that I believe that there is another dimension to the universe that our souls inhabit after they leave the shell of our bodies. But her death, made me ache for a woman who was never truly happy in life. She loved my grandfather and her boys dearly. Yet, it was clear in conversations with her during her life, that she had aspired for more and felt that she could never achieve her dreams. She sacrificed a lot for those she loved. She had her favorites, just like my grandfather did and it was clear that she adored my cousin that was the only boy out of all the grand kids. My grandfather had adored me because I was spirited and independent. It was okay though. I never felt like she didn’t love me. She didn’t understand me though. She always seemed to feel that I needed to mind my place. Whatever that was. I’ve never been one to liken that mentality. I’ve always struggled with the concept of “children should be seen and not heard.” Especially when children can often make more sense of things than adults do. At any rate, when my grandmother was dying, I could scarcely believe it. Here was a vibrant woman who was strong and could run a household with an iron fist, dying in a hospital bed waiting to die. The life slowly drained out of her and all I could feel in those last few minutes with her was a evolving sense of dread. Even when she was buried, her plot remains in a shadowy marker that’s isolated and rarely visited. To me, it’s a very sad sight. I want to believe she made it to heaven and that she’s among the angels I feel at night when I sleep.
Anyway, for me, I tend to get into deep sleeps sometimes that results in seeing people who have passed in my dreams. The first few times it happened, it freaked me out. My great grandmother had recently passed and I was about nine years old when I first saw her in my dreams. She told me that no matter what I did in my life that she would be there to watch over me. If that’s true, I’m sure she’s scolded me from the great beyond more than once since I’ve been a rebel on many different levels most of my life. But when I get really down and depressed, sometimes I can feel the arms of angels wrap around me while I cry my heart out. I can almost hear them telling me that it’s okay to let out the emotions that have built up like a dam in my heart. And when the silence of the night is so still that I can hear the chirping of crickets in the air, I can almost sense someone right beside me with their hands laid upon my shoulders telling reassuring me that love never dies.
When I lost my children during pregnancy, there was a gaping hole in my heart that I feared would never heal. Yet, there are times that I feel the essence of my kids souls, letting me know that I will see them when the time is right. In a strange way, they are telling me through dreams that there is more work to be done and that I’m needed in other ways on earth. The truth is that like many of you, I don’t know what role I’m supposed to play in my life. What I do know is that the journey is up to me. I can be a person of positive energy or a person who drains others. I choose to be positive.
It brings me a sense of peace to believe that we have angels wrapping their arms around us and helping us to navigate our way in life. Being a believer in God has opened up a world for me that makes me understand that there are some things that are unexplained. Are angels real? Well, I guess it depends on your belief system. Is there another world that consists of heaven or hell? It’s something that only you can determine if you believe in or not. I believe there is. Just as I believe that we are sent guides on both earth and heaven to make us feel secure and safe. That’s an incredible gift. If you don’t believe in angels or in God, that’s okay too. You have to find yourself and your own belief system. Just know whatever you believe, that there’s a lot of folks out there who have questions about the great beyond. Until it’s our time to crossover on our next chapter for our souls, none of us will know for sure. But faith and hope can help us when the world feels bleak and alone. In the meantime, I hope that you can have the loving sensation that can feel as if you are being hugged by an inexplicable force. I hope that unconditional love finds you and gives you an unabashed strength to keep going through the turbulent days that you encounter. And I hope that you never lose the light that shines for those you love. Death can’t take away all of our light. It can dimmer it, but it is never squelched as long as we keep love going for each other.