Losing Faith

Tick tock. Tick tock. That’s the sound that not only is heard throughout the world with clocks but with internal clocks as well. We could have clocks going off about when a competition is coming that we are preparing for and we are bursting with excitement and nervousness. We may have inner clocks that are preparing for a major life event and the anticipation is weighing heavily on our hearts. We could be hoping and praying for the family that we have yearned for and yet never seem to be able to fulfill that dream.

If this sounds familiar on any level, you are not alone. Losing faith and patience is normal in our lives. Even if we don’t believe in God, most of us believe in different things. Some believe in luck, others are religious, some believe in science and that there is an explanation for everything in this world. Others just have faith in superstitions and the list can go on for eons. My point is that not everything in this world will go according to what we want or even plan for.

I lost a child. I had named her Faith. I miscarried her. I beat myself up for not being a strong enough woman to carry my daughter to term. I was so angry at God, my body and eventually my ex-husband. You see, after our marriage ended, he found another woman who resembled me in looks and had a child with her. Talk about a slap in the face. Not only could I not carry but he got a look a like to do it.

I’m struggling to find my legs. Not that I can’t walk. I’m more than physically able to do so but my emotional legs are very weak and wobbly. People have said to me to talk to a specialist and I have done this in the past only to find that the root of my problems were much more complex than I ever knew. How many of you dealt with bullying as a child? If you did, were you aware that some of those incidents could plague you for the rest of your life and carry scars so deeply embedded that it would take years to sort out the pain and baggage that was inflicted? If so, then you can understand where I’m going with this blog.

When people tell you to let go of the anger and hurt, sometimes it’s just too raw. You go through the five stages of grief consistently. I’ve had so many people tell me to trust God and let go and I’m constantly thinking that I’m doing it only to find that I haven’t. To say that I am not hurt is a vast understatement. Parts of me are so broken that I don’t know how to crawl out of the depths of anguish. Then I listen to others who have stories that are much more emotional than my own and I shame myself into allowing the hurt to take over. If this sounds familiar then just know that you aren’t alone. Millions of people go through this every day.

There are several things that I’m finding really help when I get into this mindset. The first thing for me is to write about what I’m dealing with. It may not be best selling material but it is therapeutic in that not only does it allow me to see and feel in print what I’m fighting daily but also allows others going through similar journeys to see that they are not the only ones navigating these difficult waters.

The second thing that helps is to exercise. When we exercise, we release very powerful endorphins that make us happier. While exercising has not been at the top of my list, I am making an effort to get it to the top. Changing your diet is also something that can tremendously help. This is a little tougher for me. I’m a really picky eater and giving up the carbs is a true testament of a challenge for me.

Third, make time to take care of you. This is really important. I don’t know how to say the word “no” much when it comes to my job or helping out my friends. I’m getting better at it but the truth is that I haven’t really taken good care of my own mental health needs because I’ve been so busy coming through for others that I’ve neglected myself throughout the process. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get angry at the things that go wrong in life. It’s even okay to vent but at some point the anger has to find somewhere else to go. If it doesn’t, way too many health issues start to fester. This is the intellectual part of my brain that acknowledges this fact. However, the emotional part of my mind doesn’t want to deal with this diagnosis.

Losing faith is a combination of losing patience, losing your balance, and losing your hope all combined in one big spool of virtual yarn. There are so many factors as to why we are constantly losing faith but the biggest issue is how do we get our faith back? Time may heal all wounds according to some but I don’t know that I believe this anymore. I think time allows us to shift our focus. We never truly heal. There are always going to be scars.

I’m just me. I’m not a mother of any children that survived. I’m a woman who struggles daily to keep a smile plastered on my face when the tears are building inside. I believe that we, as a society, need a wake up call in how we treat each other. There is way too much emphasis on families with children and a stereotypical prejudice of women without children/child. We are so quick to judge each other over various issues that we forget that individuals are just that – individuals. We each have our own story to tell and sometimes those stories are too raw to just lay them out on the table for the world to read yet. I’m a survivor of rape, a survivor of mental and physical abuse. a humanitarian, an adventurer and more importantly a child of God who struggles with faith. Without struggles, we wouldn’t be able to see the bigger picture.

I truly hope that if you are going through the pits of hell you can find the courage and legs to keep going. Sooner or later you will reach a better destination than the one that you may be currently experiencing. We all have our own personal hell that we live with. The question becomes how do you fight your way to the light? If you are religious, the answer should be reach for the Bible and let God guide you. I’m religious and don’t always go to the bible. Instead, I procrastinate until things get so bad that the Bible becomes my last resort. I’m horrible about reading it the way I should. It’s a fault of mine and will probably be my New Year’s Resolution but for now, I’m being honest about the things in my life that are causing the pain.

Last but not least, don’t lie to yourself. Even if you are lying to others around you, be honest with yourself. Know yourself well enough to acknowledge when you are in pain. Don’t let everyone else tell you how to feel. Handle your emotional downloading in a positive manner and don’t try to take everyone else down to your level. Trust your instincts. DO NOT do harm to another person or animal, but make surethat you are taking care of yourself and your emotions. You can’t open your heart to anyone or even yourself if you are convincing yourself and others that you’ve moved on when you haven’t.

Be good to each other this week. Tell someone that they matter. Let others in to your heart. You never know, you might find the faith you’ve lost.

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