Broken

Sometimes we feel as if we are shattered.  Our emotions play with us in ways that are almost indescribable.  There is a light that is dimmed inside of us that yearns to be re-lit and a passion that can’t be ignited because so much hurt has been inflicted that the pain of love lost and unretrievable makes us wish for healing.  We are victims of our own lives.  We are wounded beyond repair or at least that’s how it feels when the world is broken.

There are no easy fixes.  When trust is shattered, it’s tarnished beyond any type of cleansing.  We defend those who continuously hurt us and feel as if we have been made fools of time and time again.  If we don’t learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat the cycle until the cycle takes us on a final journey to our deaths.

Being broken doesn’t have to mean that you are unable to heal.  It just means that when you are broken, sometimes, you have to rebuild, change your approach to life, and above all let the healing commence.  When you lose a child, you are never the same.  Your heart has a hole in it that is never completely healed.  You become broken in ways that unless someone has experienced the loss of a child, then they will never understand the gaping hole that lingers.  If you are able to have a child or children that survive, your heart is a little fuller than that of one who looks around them and wishes to be able to hold their child just once.  If you lost a child that you raised, you wish you could have protected them from the world.  You wonder what you did to deserve having your child taken from you.

When a relationship deteriorates, one can feel that they are alone.  Especially when they see the rest of the world surrounded by love, couples who are affectionate are everywhere to be seen and you look in the mirror at your lone reflection and wonder what is wrong with you.  Why are you not worthy of a healthy relationship when everyone else appears to be blissfully content and happy?

If you are a religious person, you believe that God is present in everything.  It is taught in many different realms of Christianity that God fixes the broken.  He heals us in ways that we can’t begin to imagine.  In my heart, I choose to believe this.  Yet through the brokenness, is the realization that a person has to deal with the emotions of the stages of grief in order to heal.  Sometimes dwelling on what we have lost is more damaging than dealing with what we still have.

I took a risk a long time ago and I still don’t know if it paid off or not.  I know that the person I risked everything for isn’t happy and neither am I.  I know that unforeseen circumstances have prevented us from communicating.  I also know that no matter what I do, this person will always have my heart and even in giving them the space they need, it has broken me.  It broke my heart, my self-esteem, my courage, and my gut instincts.  It made me feel that the young girl who struggled with bullying and feeling inadequate was still a loser.

After some serious praying, soul searching, and folks believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself, I’ve come to understand that not only am I worth it.  I am lovable, capable, and a child of God.  I make mistakes.  When I love, it is without condition.  My feelings of inadequacies are only a reflection of things that were past, not present.  To the person who I have been waiting on, “You are not the only one hurting.” Pain is a feeling that causes an individual to feel broken.  That doesn’t give you or anyone the right to inflict your brokenness on others.

After all the tears, I had to really look hard at myself.  I saw the tear-stained clothes, The puffiness in my face and eyes, the wrinkles from worrying, and the loss of innocence that once occupied my soul.  I had to determine what I really wanted.  Did I want to stay broken?  Or did I want to start healing?  I chose to heal.  I can live with physical pain as long as I have other things to focus on.

I make no apologies for living life to the fullest.  I’ve cried enough tears to create rivers.  I’ve realized that I have an inner strength that no one can take from me unless I allow it.  I’m enough.  While I don’t have to like the behavior that others display, I don’t have to become the problem but rather a solution to being broken.  I don’t recommend closing your heart because that allows freezing of your emotions.  What I do recommend is to find a balance.  If you want to learn skydiving, do it.  Take the classes you never thought you’d take, cook foods that you always wanted to try, allow yourself to meet new people and create new relationships.  Grow.  Grow in your faith, your opportunities, and your attitude.  I may not be able to change how others handle their brokenness but I can change the way I handle my own.

If you truly want to heal from being broken, then heal your soul first.  Our souls are the main thing that keeps us alive.  We are only limited by our own attitudes and attributes.  I encourage each of you to find something to start focusing on that is positive.  Being broken may be the one thing that helps make you whole in a very different form.

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